Raising my daughter, as weird as it sounds, has been a real challenge for me. When I first got pregnant I wanted a daughter so bad. I dreamed of dressing her in little tutus and matching mommy and me outfits. We were going to be best friends and get along amazingly. Everything was going to be perfect. Fast forward to today and my relationship with my five year old daughter is anything but.
Not sure what it is, I haven’t been able to connect with her like I wanted. The connection I have with my boys came so easily. My oldest and I think a lot alike which makes having conversations with him a breeze. My second youngest is the sweetest soul you’ll ever meet. He loves hugging and kissing his mommy, which on a day when everything else has gone horribly wrong are the best thing. And, of course I get along well with my 5 mouth old, I mean come on, he doesn’t really have a say so.
So, why then, is it so hard when it comes to raising a daughter?
Growing up, my mother and I didn’t have the best relationship. I can remember moments of her telling me “you came from me so you’ll never be better than me.” Which, at 12 years old, was devastating. It wasn’t until many years later that my mother finally told me she was jealous of me. She hated the bond my father and I had. And she wished he loved her as much as he loved me. But that really isn’t my issue. So then how do I figure out what is?
I love my daughter but sometimes she really irritates me
There, I said it. I finally put it out there. Without a shadow of a doubt, I love my daughter. There is nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for her, and yet I find myself struggling to have conversations with her.
Am I a good enough mom raising my daughter?
My daughter is one of the most caring and loving children I know. She is always thinking about the next person and what they may need. Or even how she can help them. But she also loves attention and will do almost anything to get it. Now I know, it may not seem like that big of a deal and may honestly just be her being a little kid. But it worries me. Am I not showing her enough attention? Am I not spending enough time guiding her and teaching her how to be a woman? How do I help her cultivate her self esteem so she understands no man, really anyone, has a say so in who she is. What steps do I take to ensure she has the confidence to walk with her head held high in any situation but is still humble enough to hold her tongue when necessary? How do I raise my daughter to be the woman I know she can be?
It scares me. To think that my daughter could be one of those teenagers who searches for love in all the wrong places because she isn’t receiving it at home. That’s what I did. I did things and hung around people I knew I shouldn’t have because they accepted me. They loved me, or so I thought.
So if I cant hold a conversation with her, how do I raise my daughter?
I get so easily frustrated with my daughter. It hurts me to think about it, but its true. I have such high expectations for her. She is going to be a strong amazing woman who won’t get used by a man. She will know her value. I try to instill love, hope and caring into her. While at the same time showing her what it means to have confidence in yourself. And then she comes to me asking for water in a voice that I can barely understand (because she is talking like a baby for attention) and I get so frustrated that I have to walk away. I am sure this is just a phase, but why is she going though it? More importantly, why can’t I communicate to her effectively enough for her to have stopped already? I guess, sometimes I question if I’m doing everything I can to raise my daughter the right way (is there even a right way?).
It’s okay if you judge me for this post. Shoot, I was judging myself as I re-read it. In the same breathe I hope you can look at this and know I am trying. In my journey to motherhood, I want to be the mother my children need; all of them. In their darkest hours I want to be there. I want to be enough of a mother to be able to instill confidence and love in them. Raising a daughter hasn’t been easy for me, but I’m doing the best I can.