Raising My Daughter

Hey Mama,

Raising my daughter, as weird as it sounds, has been a real challenge for me. When I first got pregnant I wanted a daughter so bad. I dreamed of dressing her in little tutus and matching mommy and me outfits. We were going to be best friends and get along amazingly. Everything was going to be perfect. Fast forward to today and my relationship with my five year old daughter is anything but.

Not sure what it is, I haven’t been able to connect with her like I wanted. The connection I have with my boys came so easily. My oldest and I think a lot alike which makes having conversations with him a breeze. My second youngest is the sweetest soul you’ll ever meet. He loves hugging and kissing his mommy, which on a day when everything else has gone horribly wrong are the best thing. And, of course I get along well with my 5 mouth old, I mean come on, he doesn’t really have a say so.

So, why then, is it so hard when it comes to raising a daughter?

Growing up, my mother and I didn’t have the best relationship. I can remember moments of her telling me “you came from me so you’ll never be better than me.” Which, at 12 years old, was devastating. It wasn’t until many years later that my mother finally told me she was jealous of me. She hated the bond my father and I had. And she wished he loved her as much as he loved me. But that really isn’t my issue. So then how do I figure out what is?

I love my daughter but sometimes she really irritates me

There, I said it. I finally put it out there. Without a shadow of a doubt, I love my daughter. There is nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for her, and yet I find myself struggling to have conversations with her.

Am I a good enough mom raising my daughter?

My daughter is one of the most caring and loving children I know. She is always thinking about the next person and what they may need. Or even how she can help them. But she also loves attention and will do almost anything to get it. Now I know, it may not seem like that big of a deal and may honestly just be her being a little kid. But it worries me. Am I not showing her enough attention? Am I not spending enough time guiding her and teaching her how to be a woman? How do I help her cultivate her self esteem so she understands no man, really anyone, has a say so in who she is. What steps do I take to ensure she has the confidence to walk with her head held high in any situation but is still humble enough to hold her tongue when necessary? How do I raise my daughter to be the woman I know she can be?

It scares me. To think that my daughter could be one of those teenagers who searches for love in all the wrong places because she isn’t receiving it at home. That’s what I did. I did things and hung around people I knew I shouldn’t have because they accepted me. They loved me, or so I thought.

So if I cant hold a conversation with her, how do I raise my daughter?

I get so easily frustrated with my daughter. It hurts me to think about it, but its true. I have such high expectations for her. She is going to be a strong amazing woman who won’t get used by a man. She will know her value. I try to instill love, hope and caring into her. While at the same time showing her what it means to have confidence in yourself. And then she comes to me asking for water in a voice that I can barely understand (because she is talking like a baby for attention) and I get so frustrated that I have to walk away. I am sure this is just a phase, but why is she going though it? More importantly, why can’t I communicate to her effectively enough for her to have stopped already? I guess, sometimes I question if I’m doing everything I can to raise my daughter the right way (is there even a right way?).

It’s okay if you judge me for this post. Shoot, I was judging myself as I re-read it. In the same breathe I hope you can look at this and know I am trying. In my journey to motherhood, I want to be the mother my children need; all of them. In their darkest hours I want to be there. I want to be enough of a mother to be able to instill confidence and love in them. Raising a daughter hasn’t been easy for me, but I’m doing the best I can.

Love,

 

Jazmyne

Comment

14 Comments

  • Sophie
    February 15, 2019

    Wow I was having this same issue with my eldest daughter. Actually I was thinking yesterday how I was never ever able to make cookies with her as she was growing up but it’s so easy to do it with her little sister. It took me a long time to bond with her (she’s eight now) and it can still be a struggle, but it’s definitely better once I realized it was an issue. Thank you for sharing this. I really love everything about your blog post and why you share. Being biracial was difficult growing up for me too. Your Instagram handle grabbed my eye! Happy birthday Aquarian sister!

  • Boris Landin
    March 17, 2019

    Wonderful blog! I found it while browsing on Yahoo News. Do you have any tips on how to get listed in Yahoo News? I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Cheers

  • Shareen HD
    March 18, 2019

    My partner literally called me out on this yesterday… Miss 7 is beautiful and amazing but she really manages to annoy me somehow. He pointed out that my son could do the same thing or worse and I somehow just brush it off. I don’t know why it’s like that but I am now going to consciously try to do better. I love my daughter beyond words and I never want her to doubt that… even when she is annoying me!

  • Angel
    March 20, 2019

    Despite growing up with a less-than-perfect relationship with your mother, you have seemed to turn out to be a wonderful, caring, strong human. Yes, you may have struggled at times, but you have survived and rose above. What your daughter has that you didn’t is a mother who is not jealous of her and who is actively trying to teach her to be a strong, independant woman. Yes, she may struggle. However, she will always have you in the back of her mind, being a role model and guiding her even when you are not physically there.

  • Robert T
    March 21, 2019

    There was a news headline that attracted me to this blog. My wife and I are raising a biracial girl. She is two and as her dad we have an amazing relationship. My wife struggles with her, don’t get me wrong I have my moments. But she confided in me that she is worried about connecting. Last night she had a crisis, we suspect bad dreams. I couldn’t console her, her only coherent words were “Mommy where are you?” My wife calmed her but it went on all night, she would wake up screaming. My wife was there. The point of my babbling is that in a crisis my daughter trusts her mom more than me. You aren’t alone and because of blogs like this neither are we.

  • michelle
    March 21, 2019

    NO Judgement here! Just another mama who understands what it’s like to PASSIONATELY love your daughter and Constantly be on your knees for prayers on how to talk with, deal with, not offend, and Show unconditional love for this little girl! ….BUT GOD! I speak in Faith that we WILL have the BEST relationship and one day be BFF’s! lol But right now,.. I got to parent her and she is SO SO (me) lol and SO SO Amazing and Strong Willed and Tough and Smart it takes an EXTRA Measure of Energy/brain power and LIFE to parent her! And it’s been like that from Day ONE! HAH! She is 10 going on 11 in a few weeks. But as with you,.. I share the love not for the current hurdles, but once YOU/We jump these hurdles Oh the sweetness that awaits for our relationships with these precious girls 🙂 Blessings to you with your little lady!

  • michelle
    March 23, 2019

    NO judgement here! I can TOTALLY relate to this post! I have a daughter too and Lord! Since. Day. One. Mm..kay! She has been one to reckon with! LOL! I ALWAYS had to (and STILL have to) step up my A game with her and be two, three, four steps ahead of her and how her mind works and she is ONLY TEN!!! I love her to pieces and she challenges me in every way! But it only makes me better as a mom. I prayer for Wisdom on the regular! With my son I can be more relaxed, he just has a Totally different personality. I try Hard NOT to compare because both are unique and special to me in their own way. Jazmyn ,In FAITH we will parent our girls with Excellence! And they will grow to love and appreciate us for who we are and Vise-Versa! Much Love to you! I will be praying for you Jazmyne!

  • michelle
    March 23, 2019

    OOPS! I see I commented Twice! Feel free to keep which ever one you want 🙂

  • michelle
    March 25, 2019

    LOVE THIS and Can totally relate!

  • Apex Legends
    April 2, 2019

    Aw, this was a very good post. Spending some time and actual effort to make a great article… but what can I say… I hesitate a whole lot and never seem to get nearly anything done.

  • Patsy
    April 27, 2019

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  • Claire Chadsey
    August 17, 2019

    I am a mother and this helped me!

  • Swutang
    January 6, 2020

    Love this post and how real it is! You are an inspiration. These are hard words to swallow but you manage to put them out there for all the mothers thaT think it but cant say it. I feel like for a while i struggled with tHis Towards my son. It was a process and i think it was a lot of resentment to his father aNd the fact that they were twins did iT. I have caught myself many times and i feel im in a better place now dealing with (my issue) not my sons. Again it was a process and im working through iT everyday.

    • Jazmyne
      Swutang
      January 8, 2020

      Hey Momma,

      I am so happy to hear you are working towards a better relationship with your son! Like you said it is definitely a process and something I work on daily with my daughter. Excited to see where your hard work takes you!

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